Stephan Labossiere (StephanSpeaks), relationship coach and author of Love After Heartbreak, on accepting how you are wired and finding the person who fits it.
Stephan Labossiere, also known as StephanSpeaks, was never supposed to be a relationship coach. He had a degree in information technology, a life in Miami, and a real estate business. Then the market crashed, and he lost all but a couple of his properties.
What came next, he says, was a spiritual season so intense that he went to a therapist because he thought he was going crazy. Vivid dreams every night. Symbols. Visions. He moved to Georgia and kept asking one question: What do you want me to do next? The answer he heard was to write a book.
He hates writing. He is an introvert. Still, it went from a book to a blog, to a coaching certification, to a stage. Every step was something he says he would never have picked for himself. The one that tipped it was his father's funeral. He felt he had to speak, got up with nothing planned, and afterward people kept telling him he was a natural.
“Accept who you are. You were wired and built a certain way.”
The first four years were rough. He was broke, living check to check, with people telling him to get a real job. He says every time he was ready to quit, something small happened, like a stranger booking a coaching session the very next day, just enough to get him through the month. Today he has about twelve books and a speaking tour.
He once tested the idea on himself. Someone told him he seemed to carry a feeling that nothing was ever good enough, and he traced it back to growing up next to a twin sister who collected awards while his academic ones barely got noticed. So he tried to go a whole month without pushing for more. He says he got so depressed that he felt he had lost a part of himself. The drive had not been built by his childhood. It was already in him, and his childhood had switched it on.
The Lesson
Accept who you are before you look for who fits you. Stephan calls himself a payer, not a planner. Hand him a credit card and he is happy. Ask him to plan the date and he is miserable. Some women want a man who plans. Plenty of others are glad to have the one who pays. The mistake is forcing yourself into a box you do not fit and resenting it later.
Then be honest about what you need and let the other person answer. Do not demand it. Offer it and see how they respond. If it is a deal breaker, like affection is for him, and they cannot give it, that is information, not a fight to win. People are wired differently, and no amount of pushing makes someone into a person they are not.
And stop running from the hard conversation. When you see a red flag, he says, do not just run. Address it. If it can be fixed, you may have just saved something worth keeping. If it cannot, you get to walk away clean.
“We’re trying to pull the right things out of the wrong person.”
Stephan Labossiere
The conversation covers plenty more: why he says love is not a verb but a spirit that actions express, why men should focus on learning the woman instead of selling themselves, how to disagree without dismissing someone, and why he sleeps with his phone outside the bedroom and the Wi-Fi off. He also took Bryce's challenge to spend a full day away from his phone.
You can find him as Stephan Speaks on YouTube and Instagram, and his books, including Love After Heartbreak, at loveafterheartbreak.com.
This Week's Question
What part of who you are have you been shrinking to fit someone else’s list?